Back home I am now. Or back in my hometown I am. I have no home really. I been thinking maybe I never will. Maybe when I am old, maybe. But I am only trying to comfort myself, telling myself I don't want a home.
But the way I'm living now, it's the right way I feel. I'm pretty broke. And I'm back home. Or I'm in my hometown at least. But it's right.
There are lots of old walks of mine here, at home. I've not taken these walks in 7 years or so it's been, I was thinking the other night on one of those walks. And I felt the same now as I did then. Here is this same, familiar walk. And look, here is me. And I feel the same. I mean, I am me. So that's me, like it was 7 years ago too. I am me.
But I feel different too of course. I feel like Matt McConaughey in that Interstellar movie—kind of. I've been time-traveling. I've been all over in 7 years. I've lived 146 years in 7 years. But I've not much aged. Even less than 7 years I've aged,—physically—all that movement, time-traveling. And everyone who stayed home, here for the 7 years in my hometown, they've aged. I can see it. They passed 7 years the same, just 7 years. But they're the ones who've aged the 146 years it looks. Maybe 20 years have really passed to them and it's only been 7 years to me. Why not?
So, I feel different too, to be sure. The universe is inside my small frame. Though that frame is the same still. It contains more. So kind of like that movie I feel. I've aged 149 years, but physically only 7 years. So I feel old. But I am young still.
These walks inspire crazy thoughts. But they are nice too, the walks. I've not been able to think like this in so long, so freely. And these houses are the same. And there are old, familiar smells in the air, like a humid carnival, the elephant ears, and then butterscotch air-conditioning. The air is warm and heavy. The trees have grown. But they are still the same trees that were there before, a bit fuller and greener perhaps.
And my hometown is a bit rough. It's not so terrible. There are worse places of course. But there are safer places too. But I am home too. So I am safe enough. But there are some rough areas here to be sure.
And I was thinking, that one of these crazy kids will maybe be out driving their cars this late, maybe a bit tipsy, high on something. They have a new gun maybe, a little .22 pistol, or maybe a .45 even. This is the United States afterall. And they just feel powerful or something. No real purpose they have. They are just out driving-round looking for trouble.
And I am walking in the street like I do. I dodge the cars if they come. But it's so late and quiet, that few do come.
But these crazy kids come round the corner. I can hear them a couple blocks away of course. They are yelling out the windows whatever. So to the sidewalk I maybe go, to some shadows if there are some. But they see me anyway. And they throw their beer bottles from the car. They miss, and I hear the glass shatter on the street. And they are mad now that they missed. So they just shoot me instead. The whole clip, they finally hit.
But I was thinking, even so. If that happened right now, these crazy kids, then fine. Think about it, I thought.
I died on a walk. And I love my walks. I died broke. But I have been working, working, working, so I died exhausted too, tired from all that work, though broke. Despite money I have been creating something, an artist afterall—something from nothing, creation. I died free. I died a man, doing as I please, chained by nothing or no one. I died living how I want to live. I died happy really, even with no money. I died with honor.
Instead, maybe I had got a job to work here back home because I am so broke, for some money. And all day I am miserable at this job for only a couple of dollars. I have no time anymore to do my own work. I'm stuck all day at the job. I'm too tired after the job. But I still do find some time of course. And I am on my walk, the only hour or 2 of the day that I actually do enjoy. But even that time is polluted now, because I am dreading to-morrow, returning to the job. I am miserable really, and only for a couple dollars. And then I get shot, these crazy kids. And that would be shit.